1-28-2018 - Coming Home

From: Carson Lewis Junk [mailto:carson.junk@myldsmail.net]
Sent: Saturday, January 27, 2018 7:44 PM
To: Kathy Junk
Subject: Coming Home

My loving family and friends, I will be returning home from my full-time missionary service from the Washington DC South Mission. As many know and as I have written in my past emails, I have dealt with depression and anxiety during my life and have been on medication the past two years to help me deal with the different chemicals in my body and the stress that comes with this depression and anxiety. The past 7 months of my mission have been nothing but incredible and I would not have learned the things I have or be the person I am today without these amazing experiences and without the mission. I truly have grown closer to my Savior than I ever have before. This is the most important thing of them all. I truly love my Savior and have come to know that everything I have is because of Him. I have felt his spirit bear witness of the truthfulness of this great restored gospel. I know that what I served for is true and I will forever stand strong in my testimony. 

The past 3 and 1/2 weeks of my mission have been some of the toughest experiences of my life. I was hit heavily with depression and anxiety harder than I ever have before. I have never felt so much despair, stress, the feeling of being trapped, or this state of loneliness in my life. I continued to push through it the best I could and work my absolute hardest. I was open to my companion, peers, and loving mission president and let them know how I was feeling and that I wanted and needed help fast. I sought help from my Heavenly Father through prayer and asked for the love and support of friends and family. It was in my interest, my family's interest, my companions, and my Mission President - to do EVERYTHING necessary to keep me out on the mission as long as possible and get me better. I was able to meet with a doctor and work on my medication and speak to a counselor who specializes in depression. Still after taking these steps, I continued to have more emotional, mental, and physical breakdowns, and basically would sob each day. Through all the trials of the past few weeks, I still saw miracles and the Lord's hand in the work. These miracles I experienced normally would have brought me much happiness and should have allowed me to feel the spirit. However with the depression I could not feel anything and just became more distraught.

Eventually I became so depressed I felt I was sinking into a black hole and that I could not hold on much longer.  Even during these times I continued to say that going home was not an option and that would never be a part of my plan. Friday evening, I had another breakdown and bawled for over an hour because of the state I was in. After reaching out to my Mission President,  President Huntsman, he counseled and suggested that I needed immediate help from specialists and would get the best help back home. He said the rigors of missionary work and the schedule we are on would not allow me to get the help I needed quickly. I also felt bad for my companion through this all, though I thank him for being patient with me and working with me through my struggles and mindless state. After talking further with my Mission President, my family, and myself, I knew I had to come to terms with this and get help quickly and return home. Making the decision to return home has been THE hardest decision of my life. I did not make this decision in one day. I battled for over three weeks and wanted to overcome this trial and hardship in my life. I wanted to stay on my mission SO bad but eventually I had run out of steam,  Knowing that I have to go home hurts me so much. 

I wish it was easy and with the snap of my fingers I could be cured from my depression and continue to serve full-time as a missionary. I wish by going home my depression would magically go away. I wish this didn't happen to me. I wish, I wish, I wish. The easy thing is to wish away all this pain, depression, and all of these burdens weighing upon me. The easy thing is to ask, why me? I will be honest, I wish this didn't happen to me, and I have constantly asked the question, why me? I would be lying if I said I didn't have feelings of being a failure because of my returning home, but I know that I am not and it is about what I have learned through all of this. Wishing doesn't help much, and I know that I have been given this trial in my life for a reason. I know it isn't necessarily always about the length you serve but the WHY and HOW you served. I know the Savior would not think of me as a failure. I loved every minute of this great mission preaching the gospel. I love the people and I love the area.  I know WITHOUT a doubt God has a plan for me. I know that I will become and grow stronger because of this. The scripture on my mission plaque will forever hold true and continue to be my favorite.  It is Ether 12:27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I know I will become stronger through this trial and my weak things will be made strong unto me by the Lord and by my loving Heavenly Father. I don't ask for your sympathy at this time, but I ask for your continual support, prayers, and love. I love all of you so much and am so thankful for this great gospel, my great family, and my time serving the Lord. I am thankful for his miracles and sufficient grace. I am thankful for the Atonement and his sacrifice. I know that He has felt everyone's pains, sorrows, and inflictions and he has nothing but love for all of us. Most importantly, I know the Savior loves me and each and every one of you. I appreciate everyone who reached out to me these past couple of weeks with motivational emails, fun packages, and heartfelt letters.  They helped more than you will know. After going to the temple Saturday and pondering in the Celestial room, I felt my decision is correct although it is still very hard for me and I'm very sad. As far as what the future holds - I am not sure. I want to get feeling better as soon as possible. I know that missionary work is never over. Whether that is full-time in Virginia or back home in Ogden. Thankfully, from the help of my incredible Mission President and his wife, they will be reaching out to my Stake President and Bishop to get me immediately going with some service opportunities in Ogden to continue my spiritual nourishment.

Again, this is a very tough time for me and I apologize for the length or this e-mail and the sadness but I feel like this is the most mature way to handle it and not hide this from anyone! I want to be open with all of you! I want to reach out to all of you! I appreciate all your love and support. I'm taking a giant leap of faith and am going to take it one day at a time and continue to focus on feeling better. It's like how my Dad always relates accomplishing difficult things to eating an elephant—you do it one bite at a time. I'm putting my trust in the Lord and I KNOW that he has a plan for me and I will find strength in the face of trials. This is his timing and his will, not mine. I end with the same words from my grandfather Gordon T. Allred when he left on his mission and that I said at my farewell. “I hope to leave and return a better man." I know that this gospel and wonderful mission experience has made me a better man and the person I am today. I have come to know of its truthfulness and that it offers the most happiness above everything else.

I love you all and will see you soon. 

Love,

Elder Carson Junk